I swear the brainwashing has been the hardest shackle to break.

dancing > touch > sex > fear/guilt/anger > rebellion > brokenness > faith > sanity > balance

It's amazing how something so great in my life has to have a "coming to terms" cycle. Parts of me are still locked up in the confines of a certian building's walls, knowing full well that I am free, but still too stubborn to come to grips with the fact that where the Spirit of the Lord is, freedom is also, and the Spirit of the Lord is not confined to a building or a specific list of goals, achievements, or experiences.

On another note, I saw a picture of Mike today and I realized that he will forever be the man in my life who broke my trust, shook my dreams from my hands, and never could apologize or admit to his part of the deed. I'm trying to settle into the conclusion that there is nothing he could ever do that wouldn't make me absolutely sick. There is no way in my life that I could prepare myself for the things that would come out of my mouth if I ever had to speak to him again. It is not that I don't believe he's a man of God, it's that I believe he's more Paul than John. Too weak in his own strength to own up to, that at times, faith isn't enough and power is too much.

So here I sit, a little sad. A little hurt. A little low. A reflection of what I'm reading today: Hosea. Walking how I believe I've been led, only sure of one thing: Jesus is with me, even now, and with a plan.


I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready

I am taffy stuck and tongue tied
Stutter shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am fine

I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding

I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am fine
(Counting Crows - Colorblind)

I had an interview today. I'm pretty sure I kicked it out of the ballfield. Unfortunately, my feet are still in recovery because of the heels I was wearing to make an impression. I believe before today, the last time I wore heels was back when Brad and Kristina got married in May or April 2005. I'm a once a year heels girl. I always walk out of them into ice or hot, hot water. Today was no different.

I still haven't told my family about the interview, or that I even applied for the job. I mean, Trevor knows, but that's because he works with me and because when he applied, I didn't want there to be a terrible shock if I got the job and showed up in the same training class as he did. On the other hand, I haven't told my parents because I don't want to raise any false hopes. That and it'd be nice to make my mom crap her pants if I get to drop a bomb like that on her.

I don't know how much I want the job. I'm at that place where I'm finally comfortable again with the people surrounding me and I just want to stay there so much. I realize that if I get it, it's only a move across the room, but there's all sorts of etiquette that I have to abide by once I pass the "upper management" status. It's all a large jumble of crap going on inside my head. I have two weeks to enjoy how things are now though.

So, tonight, I realized that I have an audience. So I've either disguised the real dish or avoided it. Truth is, I'm walking confusion. Do I just go for it and let the audience deal with it as they may, or do I just use this thing as a public bulletin board. Damn. Spoilers be damned, I'm going for the generic version of something I don't actually know if I want my audience knowing. Hold on to your seats kids.


So Heather and I go out to walk around the Heartland Of America Park tonight, and I mention how I have this deep well of non-experience when it comes to relationships and whatnot. She asks me to extrapolate and to tell her stories like she's completely bewildered, and once again I get the whole "I don't believe you for a second" reaction. Especially since all my "boy stories" are so awful and yet I'm still a genuinely happy and hopeful person. Nothing new to hear from other folks, but still unbelieved by nature and experience. Nothing like nature and experience to drag you down at times, eh?

I mention to her that for the millionth (probably mistaken) time in my life, I have an impression that someone might hold any sort of interest in me and how I'm just bracing myself for another pink slip...another rejection. Not to mention that I can't get my mind around it enough to let myself even play with the idea that there even is anything to all the talk. Hell, the last time I even let myself get my hopes up, the guy admits to me that he has a three year old daughter, he's engaged to her mother, and is about to marry her...then dissapears off the face of the earth two weeks later. So even though he held enough genuine interest to show me any cards, he decides to play 52 Card Pickup, and there I was, all of his cards at my feet, all for me to clean up.

It's a wonder I'm as closed off and cold as I am, right? Even if it's actually more of a wonder that I'm as warm and genuine as I am. Heather was stunned right out of words. Can't say I blame her. If I'd heard any of my stories from anyone else, I'd be outraged for that person.

So the dilema begins with deciding to let myself analyze things or deciding to ignore them until there's actually something to deal with.

PS Ben Folds had a suprise cameo on Love Monkey tonight, and I fell out of my chair.

Talk about your rabid blogging...

So, I have a fire pit in my back yard (I gave a few people a call tonight, if you receive a message on your phone, it's just too late and I have to work in the morning). Dad fired it up about 3:30pm and I came home to find him and Leah entertaining themselves in front of it. He was trying to burn up all the branches and twigs we've cut down from the back yard. I immediately got my phone out to call a few folks. I had a great time talking, drinking hot chocolate and eating yummy toasted marshmellows with my sister's pal Lori. Poor Heather got lost and has no cell phone, so poo. I tried to get ahold of Amy but I don't know her number and her mother wasn't answering her phone.

I sat in front of that fire, feeding and stoking it for three hours. I had a lot of time to think by myself with the teeny exception of the 30 minutes spent with Lori. I'm still clueless about how to start this new journey in my life. I have a couple ideas, and I think I just have to suck up my pride and money issues, because I know it will totally involve some sort of internship or apprenticeship. It's weird to discover what you want to do at a comfortable part of life. I was just easing into my situation and goodness gracious, I didn't need to decide this yet, and it's just decided to up and slap me in the face as something that's all of a sudden just too natural to me.

Ah well, fire does strange things to men.

This is where I tell you all how much I like and love my family. I realize that I'm one of the lucky ones who even with the tiffs, gets along so well with my family, we're the weird ones. I mean, I believe the reason for this is because we got all our disfunction out when Kristin and I were junior high aged first going through adolescence. Granted, it was still tame compared to what some of my friends went through with their families, but it didn't take much to get all the crap out of our systems early on.

I think it may also be because for the longest time, we've always been the only ones we've had. We grew up a military family. I admit, it's been hard breaking Trevor in because we're such a tight family unit, but once we all finally click (which we've had our moments of family with the Trev, but he hasn't been one of us long enough to have the family dynamic completely down yet), I think people will start noticing how silly and solid we are as a unit.

I think for military families, it's usually an extreme. The military families are either so tight the word could be spelled with extra o's, or they are so disfunctional, the fun leaves as soon as the youngest kid turns 17 and leaves the house.

My family rocks so hard guests leave the house with welts.

Oooooo last night. Things got a little carried away at a certian party after the clock struck twelve (which mama always said nothing good can come out of anything after midnight). I don't know how I came out in the end, bruised and bloodided or just a little more comfortable with everyone. I'm even scared to mention it because my ego took a bit of a punch last night with a certian joke from a certian blood relative that I still love, but know crossed a line I don't think she realized she crossed.

I will forever do away with the underscores though. She wanted me to cut it out and I didn't listen to my sister, and sisters...sometimes are worse than brothers when it comes to pressing the issue till said issue is the next morning's bird cage liner.


I do believe one of the issues that remains with me from the church I grew up in is the whole implications of sexuality in mixed company. Now, high five Jesus will forever remain part of my life, in whatever company, because, sometimes you just feel the need to tell him that life is so great, and there's really no other way to tangibly show Jesus that doesn't end in the word "amen" (in that matter, I am silly, but it's no big deal to me anymore). Anything however that crosses that line, I'm still uber uncomfortable with because it's one of the things I've never been bothered with pushing through.

As long as I can remember, I've just been the celebate type. Something out of unfounded fear, something out of being brainwashed for so long, something out of the fact that no one's ever shown me any interest in going to any other place in any type of relationship with me, and a little out of the fact that it's never been an issue anyone's forced me to deal with so I'm kinda "meh" about it now. It appears that with my sister being such a candid person (which she's always been, but rarely around me) I might have to figure out where I stand on certian things.

God help us all.

The trouble with driving to Lincoln at last minute is the fact that last minute means exactly how it sounds. So, today I had to drop a few pre-planned objectives to make it out to the bridesmaids' dress finding. So, I love Nat. I'm totally honored that she even asked me to be a bridesmaid. She's awesome. Today, I met her sister (matron of honor) for the first time and I have to say, I haven't a single clue how she became so normal with the family she has. Her sister and her mom are both nuts, and Nat is soooooooo different. I'm glad she found herself a man who equals her coolness.


So, we go to look at dresses today, and I mention that Nat, my sister and I found a cute, tea length, cheap dress that would be wearable multiple times. First off, her sister says she hates her legs. Now, I have no idea what she thought she was doing, but she didn't even try the damn thing on and talked Nat into a dress thirty dollars more expensive and that needs to be hemmed and taken in on everyone but her. Anything else that any of us tried on, she pissed and moaned about and kept complaining about needing to alter. Just because I'm so miffed, I will mention that the final dress was actually too small for her. Ugh. I am so pissed off that she would even think about doing such a thing. I mean, I realize she has her own situation that would make it okay for her to afford that dress, but Nat wants all the girls to wear the same dress and neither my sister nor I can even come close to affording it. So much for Nat making the decisions.

On our way home, we start talking about what to do for the batchleorette party and she assumes responsibility, but then says she doesn't want it to be at her house or her daughter's house, but wants to have it in Lincoln. The whole damn wedding is in Omaha. When we drop her off at her house (which it took her FOREVER to leave the bridal store in the first place, and thus I couldn't get back to Omaha in time to take my sister to work), she says she's sorry for being such a pain.

Manipulation is spelled f-a-m-i-l-y.

There's a storm a'brewin inside of me. I can't deny that it exsists because I never do when it comes to those sorts of things. Maybe Sarah's right, maybe it'll only last 3 months, but it's worth thinking about. No, I'm not thinking about being a princess or a pirate or anything, but I am thinking along the lines of something semi-extreme like that.

So now the idea is to find the beginning.

I've spent more on gas money in the last three days than I have in the last two weeks. I think I'm trembling on the edge of a funk at the moment. Nothing bad, I just tend to get real daydreamy and contemplative and eat when I'm bored and drive a lot more than I walk. I think I may go for a walk before the sun completely dissapears for the day, but I'm trying to keep my head out of the clouds before I get swallowed up. Periods like that can be theraputic at times, but awful and depressing sometimes. Maybe it's the drastic switch in weather and what that kind of thing does to my body, or maybe it's the fact that I've spent this weekend on an off kilter sleeping schedule. Either way, I need to get my blood circulating before I switch to humbug mode.

I'll come back and write something inspiring to make up for this, I promise.

So potatoes and tomatoes. It's been a long week. I was out of sorts last night and ended up having a late night because my body was moving so slow. I handed out the invitations with my sister, and we're more psyched than ever. I still have about three or four invitations, but those all have folks names on them. We made 36, so holy crap, that's a lot of people in my house. Not to mention I have to find some alternate seating for all of them. Floor pillows, here I come.

Lucky me that today was a short day. I came home from work and went to get on my computer, but it wasn't already on, so I turned around and hopped straight into my bed and ended up taking a four hour nap which I oh so needed. So I woke up at 1900 and decided it was time to get a move on things. I went and returned a water filter to Target and ended up buying a Destiny's Child cd - I know, out of character for me. I took it in my car and jammed all the way to Panara and spent some quality time with myself. Dinner was lovely, then I went driving down my two favorite streets in all of Nebraska. Bellevue Blvd. and Dodge Street. Oh yeah. Child of Destiny and me.

I'm still up, so I'm gonna head off to the Dundee theater at 2330 (11:30 pm for all of you unmillitary timers) and see the midnight showing of Mallrats. I'm so excited I can hardly wait. In the meantime I've turned on the jazz station on my radio and I keep getting up and dancing in spurts. All. By. Myself. (don't wanna be all by myself) Hehe. If anyone catches this before midnight and wants to make their way out to meet me there, rock on.



Snootchy bootchies.

A date has been named, and that date is February 4th.


Expect all access backstage passes this Friday.

This is a test. This is only a test...



I spent a lot of time tonight making eye contact with people. Man, woman, boy, girl, kitty. Enough people in my mind to equivocate a lot. In fact, one of them and I tried to have an entire conversation by eye contact. It struck me that unless I have any insight into what their stream of conscience sounds like, I could have been talking kittens with my eyes while they spoke oranges. So, who knows how tonight really went. While not new I feel I must extrapolate that it was just an unvoiced experiement for the night.

I have had my frappacino and am now ready for a good vigorous walk and yet cannot get anyone to agree to do it with me. I feel a little cabin fever, I admit, being shut up in my house for long periods of time. Being sick and all. I will be hanging with a few friends tonight. Should be fun. In the mean time though...maybe I'll go pester my father just a little more.

After taking three lovely sick days from work and visiting a merciful doctor who gave me a lovely little note and drugs that are taking their precious time to get through my system, I have decided that two more sick days are essential to my wellness. You see, the first three were merely to help me get aquainted with whatever the heck it is that's cycling through me. NOW, however, it's about fighting this thing to the pain.

I went to work this morning to see if I could make it, but I sat down and as soon as I got my first call, between the typing, the listening, and the screens changing on me, not to mention everything going on around me, I got so dizzy I could hardly concentrate - let alone breathe. I also started coughing so hard I almost tossed a cookie.

Alas, I packed up my things, bid everyone adieu, braved the morning traffic and came back home to celebrate my fight with my bed. Shall I dance tonight? Sure. I'm taking tomorrow off too, so I'm sure washing my hands every five minutes won't be a bother to anyone. It's not a cold, it's a sinus infection which as far as I know, doesn't bother anyone but me. Le sigh. Le snooze.

So, rock on, it's a new year with a clean slate. I smell good things everywhere, in spite of the fact that I have a cold and can't physically smell anything at all. It is a good place to be, my friends. A good place.

I currently have a bowling night to organize for my church. It was suggested we do one way back in October, so I've taken it on as my New Years resolution to have it done and planned before Sunday. No prob Bob.



After the bowling night however, there is a new party just beginning to stir in my sister and myself. Let's just say it's a rockstar party, and there will be dressing up, and that is all I have at this point. There is no specific date, but if you feel you should start growing out your hair and/or facial hair to look like your favorite star, START NOW.

So many possibilities on the horizon.