I swear the brainwashing has been the hardest shackle to break.

dancing > touch > sex > fear/guilt/anger > rebellion > brokenness > faith > sanity > balance

It's amazing how something so great in my life has to have a "coming to terms" cycle. Parts of me are still locked up in the confines of a certian building's walls, knowing full well that I am free, but still too stubborn to come to grips with the fact that where the Spirit of the Lord is, freedom is also, and the Spirit of the Lord is not confined to a building or a specific list of goals, achievements, or experiences.

On another note, I saw a picture of Mike today and I realized that he will forever be the man in my life who broke my trust, shook my dreams from my hands, and never could apologize or admit to his part of the deed. I'm trying to settle into the conclusion that there is nothing he could ever do that wouldn't make me absolutely sick. There is no way in my life that I could prepare myself for the things that would come out of my mouth if I ever had to speak to him again. It is not that I don't believe he's a man of God, it's that I believe he's more Paul than John. Too weak in his own strength to own up to, that at times, faith isn't enough and power is too much.

So here I sit, a little sad. A little hurt. A little low. A reflection of what I'm reading today: Hosea. Walking how I believe I've been led, only sure of one thing: Jesus is with me, even now, and with a plan.


I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready

I am taffy stuck and tongue tied
Stutter shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am fine

I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding

I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am fine
(Counting Crows - Colorblind)