So, tonight, I realized that I have an audience. So I've either disguised the real dish or avoided it. Truth is, I'm walking confusion. Do I just go for it and let the audience deal with it as they may, or do I just use this thing as a public bulletin board. Damn. Spoilers be damned, I'm going for the generic version of something I don't actually know if I want my audience knowing. Hold on to your seats kids.


So Heather and I go out to walk around the Heartland Of America Park tonight, and I mention how I have this deep well of non-experience when it comes to relationships and whatnot. She asks me to extrapolate and to tell her stories like she's completely bewildered, and once again I get the whole "I don't believe you for a second" reaction. Especially since all my "boy stories" are so awful and yet I'm still a genuinely happy and hopeful person. Nothing new to hear from other folks, but still unbelieved by nature and experience. Nothing like nature and experience to drag you down at times, eh?

I mention to her that for the millionth (probably mistaken) time in my life, I have an impression that someone might hold any sort of interest in me and how I'm just bracing myself for another pink slip...another rejection. Not to mention that I can't get my mind around it enough to let myself even play with the idea that there even is anything to all the talk. Hell, the last time I even let myself get my hopes up, the guy admits to me that he has a three year old daughter, he's engaged to her mother, and is about to marry her...then dissapears off the face of the earth two weeks later. So even though he held enough genuine interest to show me any cards, he decides to play 52 Card Pickup, and there I was, all of his cards at my feet, all for me to clean up.

It's a wonder I'm as closed off and cold as I am, right? Even if it's actually more of a wonder that I'm as warm and genuine as I am. Heather was stunned right out of words. Can't say I blame her. If I'd heard any of my stories from anyone else, I'd be outraged for that person.

So the dilema begins with deciding to let myself analyze things or deciding to ignore them until there's actually something to deal with.

PS Ben Folds had a suprise cameo on Love Monkey tonight, and I fell out of my chair.