*sigh*

I have so much to do today and such little time to do it, I think my head my explode. May though, no guarentees. But I'm so excited about it. I have to put my straps on my dress and fix my wings and get bug antenna somehow. I have to listen through the Halloween songlist and download one song. I have to get to the Lodge and set up the computers. I have to assist Ms. Linda in getting ready...and possibly getting her imbibed to get her to go through with everything.

It's been a stressful week for me, and I'm not taking it well. I am not myself. I spent a good portion of last night whining and moaning to Dana and Michela (poor, poor Michela, she got to hear the worst of it) about everything. Linda's heard a good amount of it this week. I had a fight with mom. I took a test that I didn't want to--tests at work are not okay anymore. I've been having trouble with men in general lately, romanitc or not. Frankly, I've been a giant bitch lately. I apologize.

I love you all. I promise. I don't mean to offend. I mean to enlighten, really.

1. First Name? Rebecca
2. Were You Named After Anyone? Well, I was supposed to be Rebekah after the Bible character, but mom was too hopped up on painkillers and dad was not the best speller...the Drs. created the spelling of my name.
3. When Did You Last Cry? August 12th...the day I was fired.
4. Do You Like Your Handwriting? Yes, I even like my handwriting when I try it right handed.
5. What Is Your Favorite Lunch Meat? Summer sausage.
6. If You Were Another Person Would You Be friends With You? Probably.
7. Do You Have A Journal? That's more or less what this has been since 2003.
8. Do You Still Have Your Tonsils? No.
9. Would You Bungee Jump? No.
10. What Is Your Favorite Cereal? There's a cereal in Japan called Choco that is cereal covered in chocolate. They also have it in strawberry and banana. The banana is my favorite. It smells great and works great as a snack.
11. Do You Untie Your Shoes When You Take Them Off? Not always.
12. Do You Think You Are Strong? Unfortunately so, and at times, to my detriment.
13. What Is Your Favorite Ice Cream Flavor? Oatmeal Cookie from Ben & Jerry's.
14. Shoe Size? 8 & 1/2
15. Favorite Color? Pink.
16. What Is The Least Favorite Thing About Yourself? Purely physical.
17. Who Do You Miss? Sam & the Sobczyks
18. Do You Want Everyone To Send This Back To You? Send? Meh.
19. What Color Pants And Shoes Are You Wearing? Blue jeans & white canvas tennies.
20. Last Thing You Ate? Rasin Bran Cereal.
21. What Are You Listening To Right Now? Angie and Sally debating Buffalo Wild Wings vs. The Wing Stop. Also, I have Nelly Furtado's "Maneater" stuck in my head.
22. If You Were A Crayon, What Color Would You Be? Yellow.
23. Favorite Smell? Gasoline.
24. Who Was The Last Person You Talked To On The Phone? Linda.
25. First Thing You Notice About People You Are Attracted To? Hair, the shoulders, then teeth.
26. Do You Like The Person Who Sent This To You? Yes.
27. Favorite Drink? Kool aid or Midori and a clear soda of some sort.
28. Favorite Sport? High school football.
29. Eye Color? Brown.
30. Hat Size? In a Sombrero...large.
31. Do You Wear Contacts? No.
32. Favorite Food? Sausage and Peppers Penne from Macaroni Grill.
33. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? Happy Endings.
34. What Color Shirt Are You Wearing? Navy Blue.
35. Summer Or Winter? Summer...because of Lindy In The Park.
36. Hugs Or Kisses? Depends on the giver.
37. Favorite Dessert? Cherry Cobler.
38. Most Likely To Respond? Suzie maybe...
39. Least Likely To Respond? Linda, seeing as I got this from her.
40. What Books Are You Reading? Jack Keroac's "The Dharma Bums"
41. What's On Your Mousepad? HIPAA w/pills and prescription bottles
42. What Did You Watch Last Night On TV? Heroes & Studio 60.
43. Favorite Sounds? Guitar, soul bass, and I'll agree with the rain...
44. Rolling Stones Or The Beatles? The Beatles...and then Paul, not John.
45. The Furthest You've Been From Home? Japan.
46. What's Your Special Talent? Drawing and/or painting.
47. Where Were You Born? LaGrange, Il.
48. Who Sent This To You? No one. I stole it from Linda's blog.

So, I've had the chance to cool down after a pretty crazy weekend. Don't get me wrong. I still stand by my post from yesterday. I just want to balance that out with the fact that I am an adult. I may take some things hard or take them personal, but I also know when I'm getting rediculous and I know when to move on.

I will point out that I've had many messages from the gals I know, and while they don't all know the men I may or may not be talking about, they live with the same thing wherever they're from. Which in turn begs the question, "Where are all the men getting it from?" They've all become either cowards or predators. Granted, there was one perfect man who walked the earth, and we killed him...I'd imagine there were at least a few decent ones left walking the Earth. Do we find them and commission them to give lessons?

Or it warrents the question "What's wrong with me?" Do you guys see that? That I question myself when I'm the one left wondering? I've gone over it and over it for so long that I've convinced myself, other than the obvious physical attributes, I'm uniquely flawed and unworthy of any decent male relationships be they casual or serious or merely friendly. I'm not saying I'm the greatest and should be worshiped. I am saying I'm real. I feel. I react. I respond. I live each day, one day at a time, just like the rest of the world. It may be big, but it doesn't make me any less worthy of mere admiration or friendship or even simple courtesies.

And then, after a while, gravity kicks in and I come off my high horse.

So, I have several men in my life that this applies to, so don't think it's specifically for one or another, it's for most of them. It's meant to have humor and be drop dead serious, all at the same time. Enjoy.

1) I am a woman and I deserve respect. I have birthing hips and that means without me, the world will not go on.

2) I would rather have you say "no" than ignore me. If you don't know, say "yes" and get inside my head until you know. Then say "no." I respond much better to "no" than to being ignored. "Maybe" and "later" without immediate follow up as to when "later" would be are also unacceptable forms of battery and neglect. So, let your yea's be yea and your no's be no.

3) Unless there is a legitimate excuse for your behavior, dating a gal then turning around to ask her about other girls is almost altogether inexcusable. Legitimate excuses include: Amnesia or an extremely stupid lady friend...you'll find either to be few and far between.

4) It is completely innapropriate to joke in a sexual manner with any female twenty or more years younger than you unless they start the banter. This is harassment, and although I may be too polite to point it out, it makes me undeniably uncomfortable. Also, if I try playing the witty banter card with you, encouraging you to stop, you'd better listen to me, because the more you ignore what I'm trying to say, the less I respect you and the more I am likely to start a crusade in protest to get other women to join my cause.

5) If you are easy to talk to, are constantly surrounded by women, and are even remotely easy on the eyes, we all have a crush on you. Self-depreciating humor is only charming for so long. Then it gets terribly annoying because there is a fine line between charming and pathetic and you're more or less towing said line.

6) I am not in it to win it. I am not here for games at all. I don't know how to play them and I don't bother. I am straightforward. If you do not notice my advances, then I am probably not making any. If you think I may be making them, but are not completely certian, ask. I tell it like it is.

7) Don't flirt with me and not understand that you're going someplace that I don't get to go to with any consistantcy. Understand what you're getting yourself into. Flirting can be a joy and I can be adult about it if it's clear it's just flirting. If I feel I've been made a fool of, I do not tolerate it and have a tendency to become guarded and hard to talk to.

When all the world is a hopless jumble
When the raindrops tumble all around
Heaven opens a magic lane

When all the clouds darken up the skyway
There's a rainbow highway to be found
Leading from your window pane
To a place beyond the sun
Just a step beyond the rain

Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
There 's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true...

So, it's raining outside. I'm at work wearing my bright yellow sweater trying to combat the sleepies. Am I winning? No. I listened to Percy Metcalf singing "Over The Rainbow" on repeat the entire way in to work and it's still rolling in my head, and it's a slow one, sure to calm you down...you know, the perfect song to listen to when it's bleak outside. Like chicken soup in stereo.

The pumpkin patch last night was fun. It was a bit of a Hallmark for me in the fact that it was at the pumpkin patch last year where I first met the gang and then came dancing that Friday (Halloween). There was deffinately no Billy or Lindsay, and Kristin cut the night short because Leah was asking her in her munchkin voice to "Comeon Mommy" and not to stay (awwww!). Oh, and I burnt two fingers, but the s'more was worth the fight with the coat hanger.

It's Autumn, kids.

Tonight is the last night of the slow Lindy workshop. It's sad. As much as I've taken that class to heart, I haven't had many folks to put it in practice with. If I want to dance it, I have to backlead and sit into the leads to get what I want. It's wrong of me, I know, but there's only one Brian, one very picky Cliff, and two other old guys...one of whom has no confidence in his ability to lead anything (even though he's great in class).

C'est la vie.

New Rules:



1) No more getting drunk…partly because it gets me heavily thoughtful, and heavy thinking is dangerous for me, partly because it doesn't feel nearly as good as being sober.

2) No more than two drinks when in a crowd of people I know who know each other, because it's highly likely I will be an asshole to more than one of them and follow another of them around like a puppy, because after all, I thrive on people who will let me spend even altered quality time with them, and odds are, someone's going to say something to someone else about it and then I'll have my own "shakes their heads" story.

3) No more drinking around people who know me and my weaknesses and play off them to get me to do or say things I never would otherwise. I am, contrary to public belief, very vulnerable and have a tendency to make brave decisions when "encouraged" to.

4) No more drinking around members of the opposite sex that I am in any way attracted to, minor or major, because while a little Midori goes a long way, it usually gets me feeling a little short on esteem, and no man should ever have to be subjected to that.

5) No more drinking when Kristin is drinking…when we are both drinking, no one is kept in check.

Where do you store your songs? I'm not talking about the iPod or your carrying case or your custom made shelving unit, but where do you store the songs you've heard?

I store them in one of three parts of me: my head, my heart, and right here.

The songs I keep in my head are usually one of two things: Intellectually stimulating, or like a tart with an empty flavor but a tangy aftertaste. These can be sampled in songs like Jeff Buckley's version of "Hallelujah" or Neutral Milk Hotel's "Oh Comely," but can also be snippits of Amy Grant's "Baby, Baby" or Ricky Martin's "SheBANGS." They either kick ass so hard it's Thursday or just riverdance across your face until you litterally start swatting at nothing.

The songs I keep in my heart are the most diverse group, but they are comprised of songs that hold a memory, remind me of a person, or are typically songs from soundtracks. Examples: Every time I hear "Worlds Apart" from Jars Of Clay, I remember being in the Upper Room of BCC learning the video, standing in the circle, and watching Pastor Petey follow Toby's every move...clear as day. Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" reminds me of Japan. It reminds me of a very unusual and rough time in my life where very few things made sense, but it's stored right in the ticker. Glass Tiger's "Don't Forget Me" reminds me of Micheal J. Fox in Doc Hollywood every single time. Yeah, it's right in the ticker.

Then there are the songs I store in here. These songs typically envoke a reaction that cannot be contained and is commonly catching. More often than not these songs are soul or blues in nature. This place is almost too hard to be described. It's something deeper than the heart and even moreso the gut. These songs tend to be a driving force in my life and take me to a place where nothing else exsists. I store songs like Peggy Lee's version of "Black Coffee," Jimi Hendrix's "Wind Cries Mary," Buddy Johnson's "Rollin'n'Shufflin,'" or anything Otis here. Songs that go deeper than the intellectual stuff, that drive, that hurt, that do more than what's within the bounds of propriety.

I don't know where I got it, but it's where I store my songs. It's where the music comes from that's really playing when I dance.

So, Kristin and I invited a gaggle of folk over to her house to hang Sunday night. I was at Target picking up a few things and called her to see if she wanted anything else. She said that no one was coming and she was tired. The only person who'd sounded interested in coming was Dana, and that was only after karaoke. So, I invited myself to join her and Monique (sure, now you're interested).

We wait around for the game to end (which took for.ev.er. [go Huskers!]). By then we were all talked out and weren't sure we were gonna stick around, but we just kinda never left. So, Monique gets up to sing and she perks up. Then Dana gets up and sings, and by then, I can't help it, I pull one out.

As I'm looking for a song, a really familiar kid walks in. I know he swing dances...not often, but enough that I remember his face. Monique and Dana then proceed to freak out because they know him as "Creepy Guy" who hit on Dana aplenty and tried to do ariels with her with no sense of propriety. While I'm up singing my song, I notice Creepy Guy paging through one of the songbooks.

We sit through a song or two until he heads up. The music starts and Monique and I look at each other and gasp, "She BANGS?!?" Okay, so maybe a mistake since visions of William Hung are dancing around in our heads. Turns out Creepy Guy can sing. There are a few other things that Creepy Guy can do. He can work a crowd...

We giggle at the fact that he's moved across the makeshift stage and is singing to a girl. Giggle like school girls even. Then he proceeds to move out into the crowd and stops in front of a girl who stands up and starts getting her freak on with the poor kid and smacking him in the keister...He then removes his jacket and starts it flying over his head like a propeller. When his song is done, the three of us have physical evidence of tears on our faces.

Monique got up and sang her signature "Kissing A Fool," which, if you haven't heard her sing it, you're totally missing out. She kicks that song's ass. While she's singing, Creepy Guy hands the host another song. On her way back to the table, Creepy Guy asks her if she remembers him. I believe she said her response was something along the lines of: "After tonight, I'm pretty certian I'll never forget you." Yes, she did. And he took it as a compliment. When she told me, I said to her, "If he comes over here while he's singing, you're totally fired."

After Dana sings another one and I lead Monique around the dance floor, Creepy Guy moves in for another song. "You Spin Me Round."

We're sitting at our table when a gal comes up and asks us if we take swing dancing classes and talks about "how refreshing it is to see people dancing other than that booty dance the girls do." No my friends, we had no warning, because no sooner had the words come out of her mouth, than Creepy Guy was at our table, trying to give Monique and Dana the hard sell.

Dana has nowhere to hide, so she basically slides under the table, so Creepy Guy turns to the girl who was talking to us. Yes, my friends, she starts doing that booty dance she was so refreshed that we hadn't done. We're all dying. DYING I tell you.

When Creepy Guy walks away, guy who will henceforth be comended the name "Colombia" because he told us afterward he was from Colombia, Missouri, starts talking to us about how Creepy Guy basically thinks he's sex on a stick. Colombia apologizes for Creepy Guy and then comes to our rescue. He prances like a little girl up to Creepy Guy who has moved back up to the makeshift stage and dances for him. Colombia had some smooth moves, too, and will forever in our hearts be the hero of karaoke night.

Anyway, after Monique and I completely kick the ass of Squeeze's "Tempted" (a] Monique said that I was more black than she & b] some guy mentioned that it was nice to hear a soul version of the song - HA!) Creepy Guy comes up to us and thanks us for being good sports about the entire thing. Then Colombia interrupts the conversation and asks Creepy Guy for his number, totally being an asshole (the kind that warm your heart though, not the kind that disgust you), and Creepy Guy gets the hint and leaves.

Turns out Creepy Guy's name is J.W. If it doesn't mean anything to you, then just take it on good faith that it's HILARIOUS.

Booga booga boo!

I want chili for dinner. Anyone know a) where I can get some and b) want to go with me?

I get off work at 4:30 tonight.

I'm excited for Friday. Why? Two things: a) Midori b) Sparkling White Grape Jello

Unbelievable conversation of the night:
Merinda: There is a good kind of creepy?
Me: You're asking the wrong person. If you're asking Suzie, the answer is always going to be, "Yes."
Merinda: ...Like Johnny Depp?
Suzie & Me: Yes.
Merinda: What is the good kind of creepy?
Suzie: The kind where his eyes say, "I've seen you naked."
Merinda: Well, can we trade places?!
(general laughter among the three of us)
Merinda: It is Johnny Depp we're talking about.

Patience. Twenty-five years of patience. Well, really, the first five years don't count, and then you start school, and then the bigger kids inform you that there's an order to be followed and then either begins the chase or the patience. So...technically twenty years of patience.

Now it might be a little sentimental...

Ah, to be five again and not know there's an order to boys and girls. To be ignorant of the difference. To play, to fight, to coexsist with the opposite sex without any clue as to what lies in wait just around the corner.

She has her griefs and cares...

Good night though, it's fun. The good kind of twinge? It's fun. It's odd how much fun masochism is. I get the kick in the shins around someone. I play with someone, attempt to get to know them. I do everything I can to get them to dig deeper and give me the goods (in this instance "the goods" being their reality, life as they see it) and try to wrap my head around what they give...all without giving away my hand. I pine. I try not to, but I do.

But a soft word when spoken so gentle...

Twenty years of patience. I've gone through the process with seven men (some were boys at the time, but with the boys came the fact that I was a girl at the time...as opposed to a young lady or a young woman or whathaveyou). I've failed seven times. I've initiated every step with every one of them.

Makes them easier to bare...

I'm tired of waiting around for the next one to make a move, but I don't want to. I don't come out through these things very well when I'm doing the chasing. I come out invested and usually quite dissapointed when the chase never begins for me.

That said, the dancing tonight was par for the course.

Your Scent is Key Lime

Sassy, real, and totally smooth You're a total flirt who's always ready for a challenge!

I promise it's the truth...although it might be my taste, not my scent...but I'll take scent.

I'm sitting here with Prissy. She doesn't remember me. It's a shame. I'm sure we'd be good friends.

You know what I love? Music. You know what I love even more than music? Live music. The Street Railway Band played Trovato's tonight like they do every first Wednesday night of the month. They're great. They like having us around...it excites them, and quite frankly, they play better when they have dancers around.

Tonight was no exception, only, tonight they rocked ass. There was a something or other in their music tonight that I recognize as having been there that night they played Cowtown. They were on tonight. They were like one of those black light bug zappers. Seriously. I died because I was sucked straight in.

The slow movement class is nice. I always feel like I'm in my element when I dance the slower stuff. Not because I putter along anyway, but because of how all the elements of dancing with musicality and emotions and physicality come into play. It's the stretch, taking the core and moving it in or out to change the dance, changing the emotional center you're dancing from, or as Brian so wordtastically stated it, "The Goosh." Guh.

"I'm a man of principle...or not...whatever the situation calls for."
-- Alan Shore

I listened to calls at work today. I have no complaints about the business. It's a great place to work with amazing benefits. My complaints are soley connected to my pent up frustration with my string of phone monkey jobs and my seeming inability to get my act together. I've actually had three conversations about former jobs and dissatisfaction in the last two days. I've become one of those people, and it makes me absolutely sick.

TEN random things about me
1 My sister is my best friend.
2 I've kept all the ticket stubs from movies I've been to in the last year and a half.
3 The two and a half years I spent in Japan were probably the worst of my life.
4 In my life, I've wanted to be Weird Al, a comic book artist, a preacher, and a screenwriter.
5 I've been collecting postcards for the last three years. I have over 500 of them.
6 I only have one kidney.
7 I'm more artsy than rational...but I don't use that as an excuse.
8 If I could listen to only one song for the rest of my life, it'd be Rosemary Clooney's young version of "You Make Me Feel So Young."
9 I communicate better on paper than in person.
10 My nickname in high school was "The F**kin' Angel."
NINE ways to win my heart
1 Spend quality time with me.
2 Look me in the eyes.
3 Be terribly ornery with/to me.
4 Conspire with me.
5 Tell me you love Futurama.
6 Become friends with my sister and/or brother-in-law.
7 Don't make fun of my music choices.
8 Play with my hair.
9 Ask me to meet you at the Joslyn on Saturdays when it's free.
EIGHT things I want to do before I die
1 Publish.
2 Sell a piece of my art for more than $500.00.
3 Get out of debt.
4 Swing dance in New York City or LA (I'd settle for either city).
5 Preach in front of my grandfather.
6 Visit Europe once more.
7 Get some kissin' in.
8 Own my house.
SEVEN ways to annoy me
1 Make fun of my music choices.
2 Take everything I say litterally.
3 Have no sense of humor.
4 Argue in front of me.
5 Touch my ears.
6 Ignore me.
7 Ask me if I'm Mo's kid.
SIX turn ons
1 Broad shoulders.
2 Nice teeth.
3 Witty, sarcastic humor.
4 A penchant for geeky things.
5 The ability to swing dance.
6 Ease of conversation.
FIVE things I'm afraid of
1 Being alone (either in life or in my house when it's storming outside).
2 Clowns.
3 My debt swallowing me whole.
5 Employment.
FOUR favorite items in my room
1 Bible.
2 Art & supplies.
3 JD Salinger collection.
4 Postcards.
THREE things I do every day
1 I brush my teeth.
2 I use the potty.
3 I breathe.
TWO things i want to do right now
1 Go for a walk.
2 Be on a plane to London.
One person I want to see right now
1 My sister.