So, the days are filled with daydreaming, the nights are filled with dreams, and that uncertian inbetween time is spent debating reality. I told mom yesterday that I was sorry she ended up with a daydreamer. I apologized for being so flighty. She asked me if I ever found myself in a fog...she was trying to search for depression, but I'm not depressed. I told her that no, more often than not, I'm standing in the center of a four-way stop with a shop on each corner that I really want to go in...the problem is, I only have enough time to go in one. Then mom butts in with, "Yeah, but if you don't make a move pretty soon, you're going to be hit by a bus." I told her I'd actually prefer that. She chuckled and asked me why. I told her it's pretty hard to miss a bus if you're plastered onto the front of it. We laughed. It was a fun analogy.

I've been debating the political sciences again. Too much West Wing probably, but then again, I did it in high school...(the daydreaming about getting caught up in politics) and it was always a good time. I always have these grand ideas for Bellevue (guh, forgive me, but I love Bellevue). I have all these crazy ideas for blowing up the economy of this town...taking money to make money. We need so much, we need an art center, Hayworth park has the potential to be beautiful (even if it overlooks the Mighty Mo), it'd be nice to have our own radio station, Old Towne has soooooo much potential to be a hub, the Capehart area (military housing) needs a new high school and jr high, we need a community college, it'd be awesome to try to bring in a professional team of some sort... We have the room for it all here, it'd create a ton of jobs, the economy would eventually bust at the seams. I dunno...I can see it all, I just don't know if I have it in me to fight to do it all. I'd have to learn so much before I could attempt it. Which brings me to my knees because I don't want to go to school. Not at all. Bah.

Which brings me to the subject of apathy...I've hit a wall. Or a glass door...not sure which. Both are imagined and both are powerful.

Turns out the new youth pastor of the church my parent's friend runs is an old crush of mine. One of the ones who actually "broke" my heart. Bah. I hate looking at him. I hate thinking of him. I hate that when my parents met him that my mom suggested my dad hook us up. Mostly I hate how much I still hurt when I think of how he rejected me. I fell for the most overused excuse in all Christiandom. He looked me in the eye(!) and told me he didn't feel that God wanted him to date "for now." A week later, we're at a mutual friend's wedding, only he's dating someone. Why the hell didn't he just say no? I spent a week eating Ben and Jerry's and listening to John Mayer obsessively. I feel like I just got rejected again...and instead of eating myself to death, I spent more money than I should have...on more music. Guh.

I think I may have fractured my right wrist. I just took one of my dad's perscription motrins the size of my fist and it still hurts like thunder.

Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue...

A woman once said to me, it's okay to be passionate in phases. Things that you'll be passionate about will come and go, some will come again, some will never cross your mind after a couple of months of yearning for it. She also reminded me that it's okay. It's okay to loose interest in something...because if it's something God's passionate about, He'll find me a way back to it. I've found it to be the truest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Bah, at work there's a guy I "enjoy" named Dan. I caught him giving me a goofy look one night while prarie dogging at work (we're in cubicles, and prarie dogging is when you stand up and talk to your neighbors), and since then, I get the feeling there's been an escalation to flirting.

We've had EXTREMELY brief conversations. I know he wants to be a baseball coach and a special ed teacher. That's about all I've learned...mostly because I butt into a conversation he was having with a friend of mine. The reason I think this is most because (well, there are a lot of becauses...but they're all situational) today...baaaaarrrgggh.

Today I started my schedule change. I come in earlier now. I went to my first break, and there he was (before the schedule change, he'd come in an hour before my shift was over), so I was suprised to see him. It was one of those funny, "hey, what are you doing here?" kinda moments, only I opened my big mouth. I said, "Well, you're here pretty early." He smiled and told me he was starting his new schedule change today. I took it a step further (to my disbelief) and asked him what his new schedule change was. ***pause***I freak out because ohmygosh a)I don't talk to guys b)I think I've just outed my stalkerish nature and c)I have no clue what to do***unpause*** So while he leans over the waterfountian, I make my way to the bathroom without saying a word. Freaking out in my head.

(yes kids, this is all the set up to get to the point)

I come back out of the bathroom and just head in the first direction my feet take me...the break room. There he is, sitting right in front of the door watching tv. He looks over at me momentarily, and I panic...for some damn reason my body wouldn't turn around and I cause myself further embarassment. While walking by him, I apologize for walking away and then walk away again (I know, I know...*MORON*).

(still setting up)

I go to talk to my friend Kristina, but know as soon as I start to tell her anything, he's gonna be walking behind me to go back to work. So sure enough, I get ready to tell her everything, and he and a mutual friend of ours (Sarah) walk behind me, and I have to leave Kristina in the lurch because my break is over.

Later on, during my lunch, Sarah comes and invites herself to sit with me. She asks me if I'm going to her party tonight. I don't answer because she starts talking to someone on the phone. Back at the cubicles, she asks me again, but to no avail, I have to handle a call. The third time she asks me, she doesn't fail to mention that Dan will be there. I say no, on the grounds that I have to be up early to teach Sunday school the next morning (which was/is no lie).

(a little more set up)

So I get ready to leave work, and I see Dan packing up. I went to grab my lunch bag in the breakroom and stop to watch a second of SNL (because there's no way I could bring myself to walk past an SNL sketch), when there comes Dan, prancing down the hall, looking me straight in the eye with a big smile on his face. I'm blushing and smiling like an idiot.

He's walking...walking...gets past the breakroom door so I can't see him anymore when his head pops back in my direct line of vision and he gives me this very Joey Tribiani knowing smile, like he's just caught me or somethin.

(the point)

IS THIS GUY FLIRTING WITH ME or am I nuts? It seemed very on purpose...and bah. I'm a moron.

So things have been hectic. I've been running around town like a chicken with my head cut off...and when I haven't I've been trying to sleep (trying). I've been tossing and turning like mad lately. There's been some spiritual stuff going on in the house that's been keeping me up, and I still have yet to figure out what it is. Hope that doesn't sound too hokey, but I only loose sleep when I've had waaaaay too much caffine (which doesn't happen often) or when there's heavy stuff going on.

Ah...well, be that as it may...life is getting accomplished one way or another.

Sorry I've been such a putz lately. I've been really, really busy. The next deadline to add to the Writ is Tuesday. God willing, I'll also be doing some heavy editing (mucho thanks to a certian Mr. B).